


Dude I'm proud of you, just keep pushing through!

by SpellStrike



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Best Friends, Cutting, Family Issues, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sibling Bonding, Sibling Love, Tree Bros, Triggers, first deh fanfic, high anxiety, i totally think the ship name high anxiety should be used more, late night, treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 07:56:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12452988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpellStrike/pseuds/SpellStrike
Summary: Connor knew he couldn't keep doing this, it wasn't a healthy way of coping but it had been the only way he had used for so long. The pain brought relief and that is all he so desperately needed. No matter how hard he tried to think otherwise, block out his father’s voice he felt stupid, he knew he was stupid, nothing could now convince him otherwise.





	Dude I'm proud of you, just keep pushing through!

Evening meal times for Connor were always the dreaded part of his day, it tended to involve someone saying something off hand to him and then him having to try and remain calm. He could always rely on his dad to start those conversations and he never knew how but he always seems to end up at odds with Zoe over it all, which contributed to their strained relationship. Connor could remember when they used to be close; how they used to make dens and play for hours outside before their mum had to coax them in. He could think back to when it all changed when he started to hate himself the walls went up, Zoe trapped on the other side. The usual jibes she would make at him began to hurt, they just didn't seem funny anymore, so he became angry at her. He could think in recent times when he hadn't shouted at her at least once in a week. He thought to the night he tried to bang down her door threatening to kill her after she had sided with their dad over his plea for help being attention seeking, and that he didn't actually want to kill himself. He remembered how she had shouted back at him that she wouldn’t miss him if he died. Connor fully believed that Zoe thought he hated her but, he couldn't bring himself to talk to her, to tell her that every time he took his anger out on her he felt so bad after that a razor then took it back out on him. She never got to see the pain afterwards. 

This dinner time was no different as Connor sat picking at the vegan pasta dish in front of him, this month his mum had decided that a vegan diet was a good detox program for them all meaning all meat had been banished from the house until further notice.  
"So, Connor we need to talk about college." Connor looked up towards his dad not really wanting to discuss this right now knowing he will have set opinions on what he wants.  
"What about it?" Connor asks trying to keep the harsh edge of his voice.  
"What courses are you going to be applying for and where, you really need to sort it out sharpish." Connor didn't want to admit he had already written his application for a couple of places and had decided that although he wanted away from his parents he didn't want to move too far from New York.  
"I'm thinking of doing English literature." Connor admits quickly.  
"That sounds lovely." Cynthia joins in genuinely happy that he had actually been thinking ahead.  
"English literature." Larry says as if pondering if it is going to be a worthwhile course.  
"That sounds cool Connor." Connor snaps his head round to Zoe in disbelief, she wasn't mocking him and hadn't waited for his dad to criticise and then back him for once.  
"Thanks." He says looking to Zoe a small half smile spreading across his face. 

Silence is found again around the table, three of the four Murphy's content one not so.  
"English literature." Larry says again. "Are you sure? What about business or government and politics?" There he goes, the blow Connor was expecting, whatever he had said he knew his dad would have not been happy.  
"I would like to study English literature, it's my strongest subject at school and something I like doing." Connor says, trying to keep his cool.  
"I think it's a good idea Larry." Cynthia reaches over and places a hand over her husbands.  
"I just don't think it guarantees work at the end, plus it's not exactly the most worthwhile thing to study, business would be a lot better." Larry kept going.  
"I am not changing my mind, I've already started applying." Connor looks up to see the vein appear on his dad’s forehead, it doesn't take much to work him up.  
"You've been applying without our blessing? How dare you expect us just to follow through with what you want." Larry raises his voice slowly.  
"Dad you have to apply early to get places." Zoe said quickly, Connor found himself looking up from his dinner at her, he just didn't understand it she never sided with him unless it was something she would gain from.  
"Yes, but he should have consulted us. You're being selfish Connor the whole world does not revolve around you."  
"What have I done wrong?" Connor eventually snaps.  
"Don't speak to me like that." Larry says in a warning voice.  
"I don't understand I've started my application, researched courses and colleges and I'm still in the wrong." Connor pulls his sleeves over his hands retreating back into himself. 

"You Connor, need to realise that everything does not revolve around you that you should have spoken to me or your mother. You should not expect to just dictate to us what you are doing and expect us to fork out the money. It's selfish Connor you have no consideration for other members of this family." Connor briefly catches Zoe's expression confusion spread across her face.  
"I can't get anything fucking right." Connor stands up from the table ready to walk away to try and defuse the immanent fight.  
"You have a lot of growing up to do Connor, I will be looking at courses and colleges for you."  
"What?" Connor throws his hands up in the air. "Why are you going to fucking do something I've already done?"  
"Because I don't believe your capable of making such decisions." Larry looks up to Connor. "And any decision you make seems to be stupid." Larry mutters under his breath.  
"Fuck you." Connor says in a controlled voice and walks up to his room getting as far away as possible from his father leaving his dinner practically untouched.

Connor couldn't stop the words from circulating in his brain 'any decision you make seems to be stupid.' He places his earphones in and hits shuffle on his phone trying to drown out the resonating words 'any decision you make seems to be stupid.' He turns up the volume until his ears begin to hurt, still he couldn't shake the voice 'you're stupid.'  
"AARRGGHH SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Connor shouts pulling out his earphones, throwing the phone across the room. Connor begins to pace his room, he knows exactly what he wants to do, what will relieve the pain, bring him back down to reality; but he couldn't, he knew he shouldn't, he was trying to stop. Connor paces for what seems like forever his hands absentmindedly picking at the marks that litter his arms. Every time he caught himself doing it he pounded his fist into the wall rewarding himself with now black and blue knuckles. 'You're stupid' his father’s voice seemed embedded in his brain refusing to let him go this time. Connor curled himself up on the bed pulling his legs into his chest as tight as he could make them go, then the tears started. Connor hated crying, despised it, to him it meant that someone else had won, he had lost. But, once they started the tears wouldn't stop. He began to agree with his father, he was stupid, shouldn't be allowed to make decisions, would fail at whatever he tried to do by himself. 

By the time he managed to stop the tears the house was quiet, Connor had no idea how long he had been on the bed but he knew for sure that the feeling was still lurking urging him to do it, it was a well proven method for quieting the thoughts for a while; but he couldn't. Connor found himself leaving his room and heading to the bathroom, he turned the shower on a high heat and after hastily stripping of he got in. The scorching temperature provided comfort to his aching body, but it seemed that this evening nothing could quieten his mind - 'You're stupid. You're stupid. You're stupid.'  
"Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off." Connor mumbled out his eyes clenched shut, hand pulling slightly on the roots of his hair. Once the water began to run cold, he got out the shower donned a towel, and found himself going straight for the cupboard, his hands expertly found the hidden pieces of metal, taking them out and unwrapping them from their disguise. 

Connor knew he couldn't keep doing this, it wasn't a healthy way of coping but it had been the only way he had used for so long. The pain brought relief and that is all he so desperately needed. No matter how hard he tried to think otherwise, block out his father’s voice he felt stupid, he knew he was stupid, nothing could now convince him otherwise. The blade brought comfort that he struggled to find elsewhere. He knew Evan would want to know but the blade was controlling, it forced Connor into its realms convincing him it is all he needed, no one else, that everyone else thought he was stupid. 

He looked at the silver object between his fingers, the tears had stilled, the pain of everything in his head being forced away by the new marks all over his right arm. Connor could never understand why once he begun he couldn't stop, how the pain subsided as the blood became more prominent. The numbness taking over every ounce of his body. He dropped the blade and stood shakily from his place on the floor he didn't know how long it had been but he knew it had been a while due to the dryness of his dark hair. He ran the tap and held his arm under it, the cold water stung but managed to still his head, helping him feel real again. He looked closer at what his disruptive brain had managed and was taken back slightly, there was so much blood.  
"Shit." Connor mumbled observing the still heavily bleeding cuts, he knew he'd done it this time; cut too deep. 

He punched the wall at a loss of what to do, he never wanted it to go this far, he never normally let it. Connor let himself out of the bathroom darting into his room. He haphazardly pulled on his jeans one handily and managed to pull on a t-shirt without getting blood all over it.  
"Shit, shit, shit, you're so fucking stupid." Connor smashed his fist into the side table sending a couple of books to the floor. He stared across the room his eyes falling on his phone. Connor got up picking the object up and hesitating for a minute before dialling the number he knew he should have called earlier: Evan. As he listened to the ringing Connor watched the angry lines overflow with blood creating a mass of red over his already scarred arm. It rang off. He tried five times before throwing the phone at the floor again.  
"Fuck." Connor tried to think, what would Evan do? Bandages. Connor moved back to the bathroom and throw open the cupboard doors. He pulled everything out onto the floor oblivious to the noise he was making. 

Unknown to Connor he had woken Zoe, she had slipped out of her room and was hovering outside the bathroom door reluctant to enter. Many thoughts were streaming through her head: Why is Connor raiding the cabinets at two in the morning? Why if he wanted privacy would he leave the door open? Would he try and kill me if I interrupted him? Is he trying to kill himself? Zoe panicked slightly.  
"Connor?" She called out softly edging slowing into the door frame. "Connor can I come in." She didn't receive a reply and could hear him still emptying various cupboards. She shuffled through the door and was met by a shocking sight, defiantly not what she was expecting at all.  
"Shit." Zoe said under her breath still taking in the sight in front of her. Other than the obvious that most of the cupboards contents litter the floor her eyes were drawn to Connors exposed arms. She hadn't seen him without a long sleeve for a very long time and now she realised why as her eyes widened at the blood coating his right arm, some dripping into the floor where she could see the discarded silver razor.  
"Connor." She says and manages to briefly attract his attention but he was reluctant to meet her eyes knowing that one of his biggest secrets was out. Zoe notices how his hands shake as he seems to find what he must have been looking for, a roll of bandage. 

Zoe crossed the cluttered floor and kneels down next to her lanky brother. She takes hold of his shaking bruised hands, eventually finding his eyes. They look at each other properly for the first time in years, Connor notices the hurt, and also worry in her eyes, as she grips his hands bringing unknowingly brining a slight sense of warmth to him. Zoe notices just how broken Connor looks, how his eyes are framed by black circles a lack of sleep evident but a real pain lingering behind his blue orbs.  
"Let me get mum." Zoe suggests at a complete loss of what to do.  
"No." Connor squeezes Zoe's hands slightly. "Please." He remains looking at her face.  
"How long Con?" It had been a long time since she'd called him that, ever since his anger had controlled the relationship they had.  
"Too long." He admitted breaking the eye contact to look down at his arms, one coated in silvery scars with the occasional aggravated line the other now red all the new lines mingling with one another.  
"Does mum know?" Zoe asks. Connor shakes his head.  
"No." They find each other's eyes again.  
"Does anyone know?" Zoe lets go of his left hand and gently runs her thumb across the healing lines on that arm, her eyes focused on the way they all over lap, not leaving much unharmed skin on Connors lower arm.  
"Evan." This regains Zoe's attention she knew that the two had somehow kindled a friendship but was still baffled to how it came about, Evan just seemed to come to the house one day. She didn't understand why Connor seemed to just let him in when he pushed everyone else away.  
"Let me help you." Zoe said still managing to find his eyes. Connor glances down to his arm still with fresh blood oozing from the lines he made earlier. He nods eyes closed admitting defeat. 

While contemplating where to start Zoe looks back at her older brother, no matter how much he had hurt her recently she thought she could finally understand that her hurt was probably only a fraction of the hurt he was experiencing.  
"Let's get your arm cleaned up first." She keeps hold of his right hand and stands pulling him up with her. Despite how much he towered over her he looked so small as she washed his arm. Zoe runs the water until it is warm then carefully holds his arm under the flow of the tap. She doesn't let go of his right hand despite the fact that as the blood washed off his arm it ran over her. She gently splashes the water over the marks not wanting to touch them scared that it may aggravate them more. Zoe began to think realistically as the water continued to turn red. The flow of the blood from his arm wasn't stopping and some of the cuts looked quite deep.  
"Connor, I think you need to go to hospital." She squeezes her brothers hand.  
"No please, just bandage it, it'll stop, it always does." Connor says panicked he didn't want to have to show anyone else, have to explain to his parents why they received a medical bill.  
"Okay." Zoe nods and turns of the water sitting them both back on the floor. 

She dabs lightly at his arm with a piece of tissue trying to get the water off but really just soaking up the blood. She finally lets go of his hand, leaving Connor feeling cold again, she unravels the end of the bandage and begins to wrap it around his arm as tightly as she could; remembering something she was once told in first aid about pressure stopping bleeding. Zoe began to feel at a loss of what to do, bandaging was no use as quickly as she placed the bandage over the cuts red was staining the white. She wrapped it around as many times as the bandage would allow and fastened it with some tape just like Evan had done a few of weeks ago.  
"Con I'm sorry, but I think we should go to hospital." Zoe took hold of both of Connors hands again unsure how to truly comfort her brother.  
"No, it'll be fine." He shook his head.  
"Not this time Connor, let me take you." Connor knew that was what he needed, he hadn't cut this deep before, not that he had intended to do it tonight, his anger had driven the action now, he was having to deal with the fall out.  
"I want to go to Evan’s." Connor says quietly, finding Zoe's eyes.  
"Okay." Zoe says at a loss for what to do next, she hoped Evan could convince him. "Okay we'll go, wait here." She squeezed her brother’s hands one last time before leaving the room. 

Zoe quickly entered her room and changed from her pyjamas into the first jeans, hoodie, converse combo she could find. She grabbed her phone and keys off the side shoving them into her pocket. Next Zoe moved into Connors room, she hesitated at first knowing that Connor wouldn't want her in there before making the executive decision that he wasn't really in a state to argue right now. She found his hoodie slung across the end of the bed and his worn out black boots discarded on the floor. She picked both items up also stopping to grab a pair of socks off a pile of clean laundry that he had neglected to put away. On exiting the room, she almost trod on his phone, deciding it may be best to bring it as well she collected the item placing it in her back pocket. 

When Zoe got back to the bathroom she paused, her brother looked so pale and small despite his stature. His eyes lay affixed on the wall in front of him his arm off to one side.  
"Connor, I grabbed you these." She hands over the hoodie and places the boots and socks in front of him. Connor reaches out and takes the socks slowly separating them and attempting to pull one over his foot while trying not to use his now stinging arm. Zoe watches for a minute seeing him struggle but not wanting to undermine him and give him any reason to put the walls back up that she was slowly breaking through.  
"Can I?" She offered kneeling down, he nodded moving his hands away feeling defeated yet again. Zoe slid the socks on his feet before placing each boot in and doing up the laces.  
"Thanks." Connor mumbled out.  
"It's okay shall we go?" Zoe asked getting up from the floor. Connor nodded also standing up the pulling his hoodie over his slim frame, being careful as he went over his arm.  
"Oh, I picked this up also." Zoe retrieves Connors phone from her pocket and hands it to him.  
"Thanks." Connor says examining the phone expecting it to have smashed but being pleasantly surprised to find it the same way it was before he chucked it.

The Murphy siblings quietly walk down the stairs and out of the front door, Zoe slowly shutting the door behind them, wanting desperately not to wake their parents knowing it would probably make everything a lot worse. Connor went for the passenger side without any questioning despite normally never settling for letting his little sister drive him around. Zoe turned on the engine and looked at the dashboard it was 02:23 and they supposedly had school tomorrow morning but that was the least of Zoe's worries. As she pulled out of the driveway she noticed how pale Connor was looking, she couldn't remember if he always looked that pale of if the loss of blood or the shock of it all was starting to affect him. 

The car was filled with silence only broken when Connor gave the next direction for Evans house. The empty roads meant it took no time to get there, Zoe pulled up on the empty driveway and they both got out of the car, Zoe moving quicker than Connor. She began to knock on the door but quickly became worried that Evan would be so deeply sleeping that he wouldn't hear or he would be scared rigid over someone knocking at half two in the morning that he would be frozen in his room. Connor took out his phone and dialled Evan who this time answered quickly.  
"Connor." Evan says panic evident in his voice.  
"Ev open the door." Connor said quietly into the phone then hanging up. The knocking had woken and panicked Evan but now he was more panicked why was Connor at his door at half two in the morning without any explanation. He quickly ran down the stairs and opened the door. 

Zoe noticed how flustered Evan looked when he opened the door and how quickly a red blush crept across his face. After seeing both of the Murphy siblings at his door Evan quickly became self-conscious, aware he was only in his plaid pyjama bottoms with a thin short sleeve t-shirt.  
"Are you okay? What's um what's um up?" Evan stuttered still in panic mode.  
"Evan can we come in for a minute please?" Zoe asked politely.  
"Yes, um of course." Evan opened the door wider but also tried to look at Connor he was awfully pale, Evan hoped it was just the light. He was met with a closed off looking persona, he wanted to talk to the taller boy reassure him but, something niggled in Evans mind telling him that this time it might not be that simple. Connor headed into the living room seating himself on one of the sofas, Evan followed after, shutting the door, and sitting himself down next to Connor leaving a gap wary of the way Connor seemed to be feeling.  
"It's um not um much but um it's um its home." Evan declares while watching Zoe seat herself in one of the armchairs.  
"It's lovely Evan, is your mum here?" Zoe asked aware there could be another adult she could wake and get advice from.  
"No." Evan pauses and looks to Connor who had reached across and interlaced their fingers. "She's um, she’s at work." He finished answering Zoe before looking back to Connor still not managing to make eye contact with him. 

Silence meets the room none of the three knowing how to initiate conversation all at a loss in one way or another.  
"Evan I'm sorry we woke you but Connor wouldn't let me take him anywhere else. He needs to go to hospital." Evans eyes snap to Connors face.  
"What's happened?" Evan asks without hesitation, he's met with silence. "Connor what's happened, let’s go now." Evan goes to stand up finally attracting Connors attention, and he gently pulls him back down to the sofa.  
"Zo can you give us a sec?" Connor says solemnly.  
"I'll wait by the front door." She gets up closing the living room door behind her, leaving the boys in each other’s company. Evan repositions himself on the sofa so he is facing Connor their hands still interlocked.  
"What's going on?" Connor looks at Evan properly for the first since they entered the house.  
"I'm stupid." Connor says to Evan, tears collecting at the corner of his eyes.  
"No." Evan says panicked. "No. No, you're not, who told you that. Connor your so intelligent, hardworking and brilliant. Please don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise." Evan wasn't sure where the confidence had come from to tell the boy that but it was true and he needed to hear it. Evan watched as a collection of tears began to make tracks down Connors cheeks, he reached out and wiped them away his hand lingering on Connors face.  
"My dad." Connor paused looking away from Evan as his warm hand left his face. "He told me." Evan wraps his arms around the taller boy allowing Connor to nuzzle slightly into his neck.

Evan held Connor tightly and looked down to their hands, Connors right hand was an artwork of black, browns, and blues across the knuckles hinting towards something that had taken place that evening that Evan still felt in the dark about.  
"Why does Zoe think you need to go to hospital?" Evan asked from the embrace they were in hoping to himself that the boy hadn't taken all the pills he had found him with on the first day they spoke. Connor pulls back slightly and lets go if Evan’s hand, he carefully edges up his sleeve wincing slightly as the tightness of the sleeve dragged on the cuts. Evans eyes widened at the sight of the blood-soaked bandage but still he retook the hand he was holding.  
"Connor we're going to hospital." Evan said defiantly.  
"No Ev." Connor found Evans eyes pleading, he knew that a hospital trip would involve way too many questions.  
"Yes Connor, I'm sorry."  
"Please." Connor said tears reforming at the side of his eyes, he felt so stupid again.  
"Connor I'm worried." Evan takes hold of Connor again allowing him to lay his head back on his shoulder. "Please for me." He says into Connors ear softly, desperation oozing out of the sentence, not loud enough for anyone else but the taller boy to hear. Connor eventually nods slightly, admitting defeat.  
"Zoe." Evan calls out not moving from the embrace. Zoe walks back into the room and looks at the boys, despite all that had happened in the last hour she felt a warmth find her comforting her that even though Connor seems to be going through hell he has someone that seems to understand him.

"I'm so stupid." Connor mumbles out just audible.  
"No Connor, no you are not, please don't ever believe that. It's going to get better, I promise." Evan says to reassure him, Zoe still watching on.  
"It's not Ev, how can it? My parents both think I'm stupid, I can't get something as simple as picking a college right."  
"Shit, Connor." Zoe runs her hand through her hair. "Ignore dad he was so wrong, Connor you should have seen mums face when you said that you were applying for English lit, she was so happy, she's so proud of you no matter how much dad tries to crush that." Zoe moves over to Connor and Evan kneeling on the floor by the sofa.  
"You're not stupid Connor, anything but. Let’s get this sorted, make sure everything's okay." Zoe says not knowing that Connor had agreed to the hospital. Connor pulls back from Evan still looking at him.  
"I'll go get changed." Evan squeezes Connors hand and gets up from the sofa. 

Evan races upstairs and throws on the first clothes and shoes he can find also shrugging on a hoodie to keep him warm. He picks up his phone and keys and heads back downstairs to find both the Murphy's waiting by the door.  
"I'll drive." Zoe heads for the door, Evan takes hold of Connors hand before following Zoe, locking up behind them both. Connor and Evan both slide into the back seat, Zoe in the front. The journey was silent, the boys tightly holding hands which brought comfort each of them respectively. Occasionally Evan caught Zoe's worried eyes in the mirror, causing him to cast his eyes back to the pale boy who had now slumped against Evans shoulder, eyes glazed over. 

When they reached the hospital, Zoe parked the car near the emergency department not having to look too hard for spaces due to the ungodly hour they found themselves awake at. As they got out the car Connor held on to Evans hand as if it was a life line, something anchoring him to reality. Zoe noticed how the boys had linked their fingers choosing not to invade she walked on Connors other side slightly in front. Zoe lead them to the reception desk and initiated conversation with the lady there knowing for certain that neither of the boys would want to.  
"I think my brother needs some stitches in his arm." Zoe says unfazed.  
"Right okay." The lady looks up at the three of them through tired eyes. "Full name."  
"Connor Lawrence Murphy." Zoe answers, Evan gives Connors hand a slight squeeze to which he replies with a squeeze back both boys still managing to provide the other comfort. Zoe finishes providing all the necessary details before they are told to take a seat in the waiting area and wait to be called forward. 

They sit together Connor between Evan and Zoe. The waiting room was practically empty with only a few others sat half asleep on the chairs.  
"I'm sorry." Connor whispers into the room.  
"Con please, you really don't have to apologise." Zoe answers quickly.  
"I've been so abusive towards you I don't deserve all this." Connor looks to his sister. “You should have just left me to deal with all this.”  
"You've been ill Connor, you still are. Yes, sometimes what you've said has truly hurt but, deep down I still love you Con. You'll get through all this. We're both here for you now. There was no way I could leave you alone in the bathroom." The siblings find each other's eyes before Zoe wraps her arms round her brother demonstrating the love that has been invisible over the last few years.  
"I’m sorry Zo, I love you too." Connor mumbles into Zoe's hair, releasing Evans hand to place his arms around his sister.  
"Let’s try and rebuild this Con we've both made mistakes. I want to try and be here, okay I might not understand it all very well but I want to try." Zoe says. Moving back slightly from Connor so she can look at his face.  
"Thanks Zo." Connor was hopeful what she was saying would be true but his brain told him it was the shock, that once all this had been forgotten it would all go back to how it was before today. 

They both settled back in their seats, Zoe opting to flick through her social media sites while Connor interlocked his fingers with Evans again. As the clock ticked to 3:45 there was some movement and what looked like a nurse entered the waiting room.  
"Connor Murphy." She said looking around. Connor carefully stood not letting go of Evan. Evan stood too reading the nonverbal que that Connor wanted him there for support.  
"I'll wait here." Zoe said softly receiving a nod from Evan. 

The boys followed the nurse through to an assessment room Connor took the seat nearest to the nurse but still refused to let go of Evans hand.  
"Right Connor, I've had a brief look at your medical notes am I safe to assume these wounds are self-inflicted?" She questions bluntly.  
"Yes." Connor says quietly, looking down at the floor, the nurse’s assumption from his medical history making him feel small.  
"Okay, what is your method of injury?" She asks methodically as if she were reading from a script.  
"Razor blade." Connor says quietly still not looking at the nurse.  
"Okay. Firstly, I'll assess the wounds, clean, stitch and dress any then a doctor will want to speak to you." Connor nods. "Can I see them then please?" She asks while pulling on a pair of gloves. Connor lets go of Evans hand and slips his right arm out of his hoodie deciding it was going to be the least painful way. The nurse’s eyes widen when she sees the blooded bandage and Connors heavily bruised hand.  
"It looks like you might need an X-ray on that hand." She comments much to Connors dissatisfaction. "Also, who placed this bandage on and how long ago?" The nurse begins to unravel the bandage slowly the red becoming more prominent as she got through the layers.  
"My sister, erm an hour ago maybe two." The nurse finally removed the rest of the bandage and placed it in the bin. Evan looks at the still scarlet and oozing marks before looking to Connor who had been trying to find his eyes. The boys lock expressions both trying to convey to each other how feel. Evan takes hold of Connors left hand, which happens to be the one closest to him and moves across to hug his arm, Evans head resting on Connors shoulder.

The nurse gets together a clinical bowl filled with water and some gauze. She places them both on the table to the side of the boys.  
"This may sting a little Connor but unfortunately it needs to be done." Connor looks at Evan clinging on to his arm to try and distract himself. His head was still reeling telling him how stupid he was, how everything he does is stupid.  
"I'm going to have to stitch a few of these okay?" The nurse says.  
"Do what you need." Connor answers quietly. The nurse begins to dab at Connors arm, at first avoiding the marks and just cleaning the skin but it soon became apparent that by cleaning the old clotting blood away the marks began to ooze fresh blood again. Connor shut his eyes and focused himself on the hold Evan currently had on him, trying his best not to let the tears fall at the realisation of how stupid the whole ordeal had made him look.

The nurse tided the water to one side and begun to get the equipment ready to stich the wounds.  
“Right Connor, I’m going to put some injections in your arm near the sights I’m going to stitch, they might sting a little.” Connor opens eyes and looks to her.  
“It’s fine just do it.” He says as if all the energy had been sucked out of his system. The nurse begins the routine of injecting then stitching up and down his arm after a while Connor become numb to the sting of the injection but, he can’t place if that is due to the previous injections or down to the fact he just feels numb to everything around him.  
“Evan.” Connor says quietly.  
“Hmm.” Evan answers the noise muffled by Connors shoulder.  
“Talk to me.”  
“About what?” Evan asks not normally taking well to being placed on the spot.  
“Anything, I hate the silence.” Connor pauses and tried his best to look at Evan. “Tell me about trees.” Evan nods grateful to Connor that he has given him a topic and doesn’t just expect him to talk.  
“So um, at the moment I’m saving to buy myself a Bonsai tree. They’re small trees that can be kept in a pot indoors. They originate from Japan but the Chinese had the idea of the growing contained plants first. The word Bonsai literally translates to tray planting. It’s been around for century’s and the trees can be seen on many ancient scroll paintings. It is thought that the first one was brought to Japan from China twelve hundred years ago as a religious souvenir. The aim of Bonsai is to create a miniature but realistic representation of nature in the form of a tree.” Evan pauses and looks to Connor who had been staring intently at the enthusiastic boy.  
“Keep going.” Connor encourages knowing that the ramble was keeping his mind off the procedure, and also helping to ground him. “How do you care for them?”  
“Right um, there are a few key aspects to take into consideration. You need to make sure that the tree has a good light source. Trees won’t survive without light so if kept somewhere dark inside the house it will fail to grow and will die quickly. It is best kept by a light window or even by having additional fluorescent lighting. Another thing is humidity, they are used to a lot higher heats than that you would get indoors even with the heating on. To help with this you need to use a humidity tray with water, and to mist the tree frequently apparently. The last main thing is watering the tree. Its best to ignore the label as they will not consistently need watering every x days, instead look at the tree and monitor how wet the soil looks only watering when necessary.” Evan looks to Connor to find an almost half smile on his face. 

“Sorry to interrupt.” The nurse says. “But, you’re done for now.” Both the boys look to Connors freshly bandaged arm this time white all over, no sign of the blood breaking through.  
“Thank you.” Connor says and gently moves away from Evan so he can slip his hoodie back on.  
“There are 17 stitches in the wounds, they are dissolvable so they should disappear in a week or two as the wound heals. For the next couple of days keep that dressing on, and don’t get it wet, after that you can take it off but please don’t soak your arm in the bath or get it too wet in the shower. Also, Connor, please do not attempt to remove the stitches yourself or cut again over the stitched wounds before they’ve healed properly.” Connor nods.  
“Can I go now?” Connor asks little annoyed at how she had perceived him just from his medical history. It just made him feel more stupid all over again, did she really believe he would try and remove them himself?  
“Unfortunately not. The doctor needs to speak with you first.” Connor ran his hand through his hair annoyed that he couldn’t just get off home and forget the whole ordeal. Evan placed his hand on Connors shoulder.  
“It’s fine Connor.” Evan reassures him.  
“If you could just go back and sit in the waiting room, the doctor will come and get you as soon as he can. Then he’ll probably send you for an x-ray as well.” She explains. Connor stands up and heads for the door without replying to the nurse.  
“Thank you.” Evan says and also stands following Connor out of the door. 

As they walk back through the doors into the waiting room Connor threads his fingers through Evans.  
“Even she thought I was stupid.” Connor mumbles out just as they enter back into the waiting room.  
“No Connor, listen.” He pulls Connor down into the nearest seats and taking hold tightly of both his hands.  
“Evan its fucking true, I’m fucking stupid.” Connors eyes begin pooling with tears again.  
“Connor no, please. You’re an amazing person, intelligent, funny, please don’t listen to anything or anyone telling you otherwise.”  
“I hate myself Evan.” Connor says quietly. Evan looks at Connor and then takes him into his arms. The smaller boy envelopes the other in his arms allowing Connor cry into his chest.  
“It’s going to get better Connor, we’re going to work through this. You are great Connor, an amazing friend and a lovey person, please don’t hate yourself.” Evan says into Connors ear. “I don’t hate anything about you.” Connor continues to cry into Evans chest as Evan rubs his hand comfortingly on his back. 

Evan looks up from Connors shoulder and finds Zoe’s eyes filled with questioning but also an air of sadness.  
“Can I come over?” she mouths to Evan who slowly nods in reply. Zoe gets up and moves across the waiting room sitting in the seat next to Connor, facing the boys who are still locked in an embrace together.  
“What’s the verdict?” Zoe asks softly.  
“His arm has been stitched and re dressed, the doctor needs to speak to him next then the nurse reckoned he might need an x-ray for his hand just to make sure everything’s okay, as its quite bruised.” Zoe nods amazed that Evan didn’t stutter, or hesitate once but also that his eyes did not leave Connor throughout the explanation. 

“Okay, so we’ve got to wait for the doctor, any idea how long that will be?” Evan looks up at Zoe then across to the clock on the wall it now showed the ungodly time of 4:15, they both knew school in a few hours was not going to happen.  
“She um, the nurse, she didn’t say, you can um go if you erm want, I’ll stay we can um we can get a taxi or something.” Evan rambles anxious over whether Zoe actually wants to be there.  
“No, Evan its fine, I was just wondering if I should message mum, she’ll realise were not there when she wakes up.” Zoe explains. Connor removes himself from Evans hold and slumps back in his chair.  
“Please don’t message her, I don’t need to deal with the fall out yet.” Connor says in a monotone voice his eyes focused straight forward.  
“Connor, I think she’ll want to help.” Zoe tried to reason with him.  
“She’ll wrap me up in cotton wool, make me sleep with the door open, won’t let me go out anywhere, probably put me back in rehab, she tries I get it, but she doesn’t understand all of this.” Connors eyes still didn’t leave the wall but Evan managed to break through to him by taking hold of his hand. “Sorry Zoe, let’s just not have this conversation now.” Connor looks to his sister who has a small collection of tears pooling in her eyes.  
“Of course.” She nods. “I just want you to get better.” Connor chews his bottom lip, trying to not snap at Zoe, to take into account the fact that she has no reason to understand everything that goes on in his head.  
“It’s not that easy, this can’t all just be fixed, its ganna take time and trust me when I tell you I’m actually better than I was at the beginning of the year.” Connor looks from his sister then across to Evan. 

The boys share a look full of unspoken words, they both knew that somehow through becoming friends they could help each other. They were slowly helping each other with strategies to overcome things, helping each other through the bad days and teaching each other that they aren’t detestable, but that they should learn to love themselves, as they finally had found someone who actually liked them for them even with all of their flaws. As Connor slouches back into his chair again Evan rests his head on the tall boys shoulder, the tiredness becoming evident in all three of their mannerisms. 

Connor was beginning to feel restless with all the waiting when the Doctor finally came into get him another fifty minutes after sitting in the sterile smelling room. As Connor went to stand, still holding Evans hand, he noticed his sister had fallen asleep in her chair.  
“Zo.” Connor tapped his sister lightly, to which she opened her eyes slightly. “We’re going into see the doctor, back shortly.” Zoe nodded before shutting her eyes again. 

Connor and Evan followed the Doctor through the corridors until they entered a room similar to the earlier one. The trio sat down Connor sat closest to the doctor his hand still glued tightly to Evans Connors anxiety prevailing itself through the bouncing of his leg.  
“Hello Connor, I’m Dr Morgan, I’ve just got a few questions I need to go through with you.”  
“Okay.” Connor began to chew again on his lower lip.  
“Are you sure you want to go over this with your friend here?” The doctor looked over to Evan.  
“I’m sure.” Connor said shortly before looking to Evan who gave a small nod to show he was happy to stay with Connor.  
“Okay but I will need to ask some personal questions so know that if you want to pause at any point we can but unfortunately I need to ask all this okay?”  
“Its fine.” Connor answers knowing what is bound to come up, things that he really didn’t want to uncover again.

The doctor readjusted himself in his chair and then moved some paper and a pen in front of himself ready to document Connors answers.  
“Okay so this evening you inflicted the marks on your arm yourself with a razor blade?” Connor nodded. “Is this the first time?”  
“No.”  
“So, you’ve self-harmed with a razor before?”  
“Yes.” Connor provides another one word answer.  
“Is it just on one arm?”  
“No.” Evan gives Connors hand a slight squeeze to try and comfort him.  
“Was it just on that one arm tonight?”  
“Yes.”  
“Where else have you cut Connor?” Connor pauses anticipating the next question.  
“Both my forearms and my thighs.”  
“Okay. Please can I see, I just want to check nothing is infected and that it is all healing well.” Connor looks to Evan his thoughts confirmed. “Your friend can wait outside for this bit if it would make it easier.” The Doctor suggests. 

Connors eyes stay focused on Evan both the boys unsure what to say to the doctor’s request.  
“What do you want me to do Con?” Evan speaks up.  
“They’re really ugly, I don’t…” Connor stops short unsure of how to convey what he wants.  
“I don’t care about that.” Evan tells Connor softly ignoring the fact the doctor was watching their exchange. Connor shuts his eyes tight desperate to get away from everything, not wanting to have to be in this position.  
“Stay.” Connor mumbles and opens his eyes to look at Evan.  
“I’m here.” Evan gives Connors hand another squeeze before letting go so that he could remove his clothing. 

Firstly, Connor slips both of his arms out of his hoodie sleeves discarding the hoodie on the back of the chair. The doctor moves himself closer to Connor and firstly takes hold of his bandaged arm looking at Connors hand, moving it around while watching Connors expression.  
“I don’t think this is broken, so we we’ll leave the x-ray today.” He commented before taking hold of Connors other arm. Slivery lines can be seen all over the lower part of his arm some hold a slightly red tinge, others barely visible even in the harsh hospital lights.  
“These all seem to be healing well.” The doctor tries to look at Connor but he had moved his focus away from his arm instead choosing to look at Evan.  
“Okay Connor, you can put your hoodie back on now.” Connor obeys the doctor and pulls his hoodie back on drawing it around himself.  
“Right.” The doctor says while writing some notes. “I’m sorry Connor but can you take your jeans off please?”  
“Is it really necessary?” Connor says a slight harsh lilt to his voice but his usual fight missing from his attitude.  
“Unfortunately, yes.” The doctor said before turning away to write some more information down. 

Connor ran his hand through his hair before standing up and undoing his jeans, Evan looks away wanting to give Connor a sense of privacy, knowing that it was likely nobody had seen these marks before. Connor pulled his jeans down to his ankles and sat back down in the chair now only wearing his black boxer briefs.  
“Right, okay.” The doctor said a slight surprise and sadness evident in his voice. The doctors tone was enough to draw Evans eyes back to Connors, who was awaiting his eye contact, a collection of water beginning to gather in Connors blue orbs.  
“You can look.” Connor mouths to Evan, holding his eye contact Evan takes hold of Connors hand again before looking at Connors legs. Upon the bed of lots of silvery lines on his right leg lay words such as ‘stupid’, ‘idiot’, ‘selfish’ and ‘die’ in a healing red cuts. On his left amongst copious of healed scars lay the words ‘save me’ in the same red but healing cuts. Evan snapped his eyes back to look at Connor but found the boy trying so hard not to cry, fully focused on the wall in front of him.  
“Thank you Connor, you can get dressed again now.” Evan quickly wiped at his own eyes while Connor pulled his jeans back, on in the hope that he wouldn’t see, Evan wanted so desperately to stay strong in this moment for Connor. 

As Connor sat back down he linked his fingers through Evans in an attempt to ground himself. He wanted to get away from the hospital, lock himself away in his room like he normally did after doing this. The feelings kept circulating in his head refreshed by having to look at the words he had cut into his thighs a week previous.  
“Right Connor, just a few more questions.” The doctor said before looking to Connor and continuing. “In your opinion Connor are you safe?” After the words left the doctors mouth Connors eyes shut and he rested one of his elbows on his knees, in an attempt to make himself smaller at the overwhelming nature of everything.  
“Yes.” Connor mumbled in reply, Evans grip on his hand becoming tighter.  
“You don’t believe that you will be a further risk to yourself.”  
“No.” Connor mumbled again his eyes still shut.  
“Right, Connor I need you to be honest with me all I want is to ensure you are getting the help you need. You’ve attempted suicide before, were you going to attempt tonight?” There is a heavy pause in the room as tears began to make their way down Connors pale face.  
“No. I just needed a release.” Connor answers barely audible.  
“Have you attempted since last time?”  
“No.” Evan knew this was edging near the truth, he hadn’t actually attempted but he had been close on the day they first met.  
“Do you still attend weekly therapy?” the doctor asked while looking at a computer screen displaying Connors medical history.  
“No.”  
“I think that would be wise Connor, maybe you should discuss it with your parents. Do they know you’re here?” Connors eyes open and he looks to the doctor panic written across his face.  
“No, you don’t have to tell them do you?” Connor says quickly.  
“Do they know about the self-harm Connor?” The doctor asks ignoring Connors question.  
“No, you aren’t going to tell them, are you?”  
“No Connor I’m not but you need to, they will want to help.”  
“Okay.” Connor runs his hand through his dark hair and sits back in his chair. “Are we done?” He asks beginning to get defensive.  
“Nearly.” The doctor asks while making notes. 

Evan squeezes Connors hand again sensing his irritability.  
“Connor are you on medication?”  
“Yes, but they make me angry and numb.” Connor quickly glances to Evan who provides a slight smile regardless of everything going on.  
“So, do you take them?”  
“Most the time. I’m not nice when I’m on them.” Connor tells the doctor.  
“You should be taking them daily Connor but, if they are giving you side affects you should see your doctor and they’ll probably try a different type or strength.”  
“Try telling my parents that.” Connor mumbled inaudible to the doctor.  
“Pardon?”  
“Nothing, can I go?” Connor asks impatiently.  
“Nearly.” Connor sighs loudly.  
“I know you’re just doing your job but you’ve seen the fucking marks, established that I’m not ganna leave here and fucking top myself, established my parents should know, if they fucking listen. I didn’t try and kill myself tonight I was just stupid and fucking cut too deep. I’ll probably cut again I’m not ganna pretend my head is all fucking flowers and shitting rainbows but all I need now is to fucking sleep and forget all this.” Connor finishes and places his elbows back on his knees, letting go of Evans hand.  
“Of course.” The doctor says calmly. “Where are you going to go from here and who with?”  
“My sister will drive us back to our house, she’s in the waiting room, my parents will be there waiting. Then Evan and I will probably sleep for the rest of the day.” Evan looks to Connor following his comment and gently rubs the tall boys back.  
“Okay Connor you can go, please try and get seen by a therapist and book an appointment with your doctor.”  
“Okay.”  
“I don’t think it’s wise for you to be alone for the next 48 hours.” The doctor looks to Evan. “Try and..”  
“Okay.” Connor cuts the doctor off and stands up, grabbing Evans hand.  
“Bye Connor.” The doctor calls out as Connor gets to the door.  
“Thank you.” Evan quickly says as Connor pulls his from the room desperate to get as far away as possible from all of the questioning. 

Connor practically pulls Evan back through the corridors, through the waiting room and into the toilets.  
“For fucks sake.” Connor punches the stone wall. “Was that,” Another punch. “all,” Punch. “fucking,” Punch. “necessary?” Evan grabs Connor and pulls him into his chest before he could punch the wall again.  
“It’s okay Connor.” Evan consoles the taller boy as his body is overtaken with sobs.  
“It’s not Evan, I’m fucked up.” Evan could feel the shoulder of his top becoming wet with Connors tears.  
“You’ve been doing so well Connor, don’t let this be a setback. I’m actually so proud of you, its ganna get better we just need to keep pushing through all this.” The air is filled with silence as Connor manages to slowly get his tears under control. Connor eventually looks up and the boys lock eyes, the look they share full of unspoken words of thanks and friendship.  
“Let’s go home and sleep.” Evan suggests and Connor nods.  
“You’ll come back to mine?” Connor asks the tiredness now evident in his voice.  
“As long as you want me to.” Connor takes hold of Evans hands.  
“I wouldn’t want anything different.” Connor admits making Evan smile slightly.  
“Let’s find Zoe then.” 

The boys head back into the waiting room and gently wake Zoe from her sleep.  
“You done?” Zoe asks while rubbing her eyes.  
“Yes.” Connor says not looking directly at his sister, not wanting her to know that he had been crying.  
“Let’s go home then.” She declares getting up and stretching slightly. “Evan are you coming back to ours?” she questions as they walk out of the department.  
“Yes, he is.” Connor responds for him.  
“Okay, do we need to stop by yours for anything?” Zoe asks, seemingly a lot more awake than the boys.  
“No, its fine.” Evan answers as they reach the car. 

Zoe climbs into the driving seat and the boys get into the back. They had barely left the car park before Connor fell asleep resting against the window, Evan snuggled into side, eyes drooping, still holding each other’s hands maintaining the promise they made very early on in their friendship, that they would be there for each other whatever happens.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys hope you like that........ its my first fic on here!!!! Please leave comments and feedback to let me know what you thought!!!!!!!!!!!! Its is actually meant to be a chapter in a multi chap fic so stay tuned! 
> 
> Also as you may have worked out I'm English so I may use terms or words that you might not understand so please ask me to explain!!!!!!!! 
> 
> Just another thing I'm dyslexic so there may be some grammatical/ spelling errors if there are I apoligise I have tried my hardest to read through it thoroughly!!!!!!!!
> 
> My tumblr is noonedeservestodisappear
> 
> Please know that if you feel like this help is out there! Feel free to message me on here or anonymously on tumblr, you are not alone and things will get better!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


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